A Peppy Program 
for Men 

BY 

MIGNON QUAW 




PRICE 25 C.ENTS 



Eldridge Entertainment House 

Franklin, Ohio 22? Denver, Colo. 



944 So. Logan Streot 



ANOTHER PATRIOTIC MONOLOG 



"WHEN MONTY CAME HOME 
FROM THE MARNE" 



By SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS 



T"*HE STORY tells of a widow's son, apeace- 
* ful young farmer, who enlisted in the U. 

S. Marines and lost an arm, as his father lost 

an arm at SHloh. A stirring description of a 

gas attack and how the Marines won the 

fight. 
The climax is reached when Monty comes 

back and drives the cattle up the lane. 
Suitable for any reader and a number that 

will be welcome op any program. 



PRICE 25 CENTS 



THE ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also ftsji DENVER, COLO. 



A "PEPPY" PROGRAM 
FOR MEN 



By MIGNON QUAW 



PRICE 25 CENTS 
Copyright 1922, Eldridge Entertainment House, 



PUBLISHED BY 

ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 

Franklin, Ohio Denver, Colo. 

944 S. Logan St. 






CONTENTS 



Suggestions for Stunts 3 

Songs - - 6 

Sewing Circle 8 

Paper Read by Father of 1999 12 

Telephone Conversation ------- 14 

Debate on Housecleaning - 16 



TMP96-007513 

DEC3C 

CI.D 63233 

' J 



A "Peppy' Program for Men 



SUGGESTIONS 

The men do everything on this program, even to 
serving of refreshments. They should prepare the food 
as well. If possible, have every other number for the en- 
tire audience. Such stunts as community singing, silly 
little tricks, like a community sneeze, exercises for the 
audience, a few simple dance steps. 

Some of the men could be dressed as women and re- 
main so till the end of the program. These men should 
burlesque feminine dress and actions. 

One very funny number for men is to sing the pret- 
ty and popular song: "In My Sweet Little Alice Blue 
Gown." One man comes out dressed in a blue dress and 
sings the verse and chorus through. When he begins 
the chorus, a second time, out come six other men, each 
dressed in some kind of blue gown, from dark blue house 
dresses to evening gowns. To make a sort of frame for 
them, two screens could be arranged about three feet 
apart in the center of the stage, and here the men pause 
a moment and strike an attitude. Then they each move 
on to make room for the next and form a "V" with the 
apex right at the opening of the screens and the most 
ridiculous figure right there. Many funny things may 
be done in the way of costumes. The writer saw one fel- 
low carry a fan without anything but the sticks. Anoth- 
er carried an umbrella consisting of just the ribs. A 
third carried a shower bouquet of a cabbage and onions. 
All of them had extreme hats. One man wore a fearfully 
short gown, from which extended his legs clad in short 
socks and men's garters. 

Another good stunt is a style show. Using the same 
screens, have all the actors hidden behind them and ap- 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 



pear at a given moment. One man in front of the screen 
explains about the garments. For instance: "Ladies 
and gentlemen: We have here a simple little street cos- 
tume, easy to look at, sensible to a degree, and attract- 
ive." Here the subject appears and strikes an attitude, 
wearing perhaps a very short skirt, loud stockings, a 
huge bag, a big fur, no coat, georgette blouse, etc. "Ob- 
serve the warmth of the georgette blouse. Surely here 
is a costume eminently suited to a temperature of 20 be- 
low. Price for this simple little creation only $255.68." 

Another cute stunt is to have a hat-trimming con- 
test. Give a prize for the man who can trim a hat in the 
shortest time. Then make some woman in the audience 
wear the hat during the rest of the performance. 

A dressmaking stunt would be good. One man 
stands up and has a costume draped on him with the aid 
of pins. All the time there is a running fire of conversa- 
tion like "I prefer the five-gored skirt myself, with a 
simple peplum on the bottom and a cross-stitch in front. 
Give me rivets every time, instead of hooks and eyes." 

A fun-maker is to have four or five men tell what 
their wives wore when they were married. Their de- 
scriptions of the costume would be most killing. 

If there is a big hall, the men could put on a base- 
ball game as it would be played by women. They wear 
feminine attire, stop to fix their hair, scream when a 
ball approaches, get angry and cry, stop to gossip, run 
and comfort one another with kisses and hugs when they 
get hurt, faint, etc. The game is finally ended abruptly 
when some woman sees a mouse and all of them hop up 
on chairs. 

Another funny stunt would be for a man to dress a 
little child, getting everything on wrong. 

A screamingly funny stunt is a burlesque of a can- 
ning demonstration or any other cooking demonstration. 
The writer saw one man do this with the result that the 
audience laughed so much they grew positively hysteri- 
cal. He was dressed very elaborately, with a fancy ap- 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 



ron, rings, bracelets, his hair done most wonderfully, a 
big hat on, etc. He first carefully manicured his nails, 
explaining that cleanliness is very essential. Then he 
explained he was going to can the nutmeg for there was 
such a demand for it by the nuts in the country round 
about. Then he gave a little explanation of what the 
cold pack method is. He fixed his hair, rouged his lips, 
looked in a mirror at his eyebrows, cried a little when 
something went wrong (he spilled something) and then 
finished filling the glass jar in which he was doing the 
canning. A similar stunt could be done by making a 
cake in which the man gives his recipe calling for one 
cup of salt, half a can of baking powder, etc. 

If the men could get some old hats in the neighbor- 
hood, and auction them off, it would give a hat for every 
man present to wear. Another funny thing would be for 
the men to wear well-known garments of their wives. 

Another stunt would be to reproduce the varying 
styles of different times, from the hoop skirt and bustle 
to the funny leg-of-mutton sleeves of 1893 and the pres- 
ent costumes. 




A "Peppy" Program for Men 



SONGS 

How Dear to My Heart 

Tune — "Old Oaken Bucket" 
How dear to my heart is the wife of my bosom, 
I surely am glad that she's running my house. 
She's brave as a lion in times of real danger, 
And faints dead away at the sight of a mouse. 
She wears thin silk hose in the coldest of weather, 
She wears heavy furs when it's sweltering hot. 
Her overshoes flap, tho the snow may be knee deep, 
And many's the cold that my dear wife has caught. 

Chorus 
My wife, I believe, is a bit inconsistent, 
But still she's the best wife that I ever got. 

Feathers 
Tune — "Carry Me Back to Ole Virginny" 
Then come, wash and dye the good old feathers 
That graced all the hats in the simple days of yore, 
They need to be steamed and they need a thorough 

curling, 
Still that's better than buying them right now at the 
store. 

Chorus 
Renovate the feathers, reduce the cost of living, 
Make them look as though they were fresh right from 

the hen, 
The work we are doing's a sort of resurrection, 
For all of them must dye before they're born again. 

Clothes 
Tune— "Old Black Joe" 
Gone are the days of Adam and of Eve, 
Gone are the days when folks wore only leaves, 
Gone are the days as everybody knows, 
And now the cry of all mankind is clothes, clothes, 
clothes. 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 



Chorus 
I'm sewing, I'm sewing, making garments, darning 

hose. 
Sure, Eden was a Paradise, with no clothes, clothes, 

clothes. 

Skirts 
Tune — "Smiles" 
There are skirts of eighteen-sixty, 
Hooped and ruffled and full length, 
Lined and shirred and made so very heavy, 
That they used up all our female strength. 
There are queer old skirts of eighteen-ninety, 
That swept the ground and picked up all the dirt, 
But the meanest one of all the ages, 
Is the one-yard tight hobble skirt. 

The Tail of the Shirt 
Tune — "Long, Long Trail" 
There's a long, long tail of muslin 
On the end of dad's old shirt, 
The top's worn out, but the tail is good 
For a kiddie's little skirt. 
There's a long, long tail a-waiting 
To be sewed on the machine, 
And the clothes dad's old shirt tail will make 
Will be the best ever seen. 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 



SEWING CIRCLE 



Six men dressed as women sit in circle knitting or 
sewing, or some of them can be knitting, some with fancy 
work, some with sewing. Six types are here: the one 
who enjoys poor health, the fat woman who is trying to 
reduce, the bride, the woman with her first baby, the 
good housekeeper, the gossip. 
Fat Woman — My, how hot it is! 

Gossip — I suppose that is because you are so fleshy. 
Now I — 

Fat Woman — ( indignantly) Fleshy! I lost six 
pounds last month. 

Bride — {dreamily) Hubby lost a pound and a half 
last month. I suppose it is my cooking; and we've only 
been married two months. 

Good Housekeeper — Feed him on fattening things — 
lots of cream — 

Fat Woman — Heavens! I haven't tasted cream for 
two years. 

Woman with First Baby — I gave ittle tootsums turn 
cream the other day, and he just swallowed it as quick! 

Gossip — Wonderful ! 

Woman in Poor Health — My doctor won't allow me 
to touch my lips to cream. Deary me ! I must be sitting 
in a draught — that is what my doctor expressly forbids. 

Good Housekeeper — Knit one, purl one. 

Bride — How fast you work. I do wish I could knit 
John a pair of socks, but he never would be able to wear 
them, I am sure. Oh, he's so sweet. (Looks dreamily 
into space.) 

Mother with Baby — I don't think the finest husband 
that ever lived is worth half what a baby is. Why, my 
ittle tootsums opened his mouf ze ozzer day and — 

{The Gossip sighs loudly. The mother looks at her 
indignantly.) 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 



Bride — You may think that about your husband, 
perhaps, but John — 

Good Housekeeper — Oh, they're about all alike — 
men. Live to eat, mostly. I work two hours getting a 
meal my husband eats in two minutes. 

Invalid — I never cook. My doctor expressly forbids 
it. It is so hard on my medulla oblongata. Mercy, how 
hot it is growing. 

Fat Woman — I never cook, either. I'm on a milk 
diet now, and I've lost a lot by it, so I just make Henry 
and the hired men live on it. It saves a lot of work. 

Mother with Baby — Tootsie wootsie lives on milk, 
too. Bess his heart. And when I bing his bottle he just 
puts up his ittle paddies and — 

Gossip — Heels are the hardest of anything to make, 
aren't they'? 

Bride — Oh ,but don't you think soles are the most 
important? My John's soul — 

Good Housekeeper — Heavens, I've dropped a stitch! 

Invalid — Stitch! I wish I could drop this stitch in 
my side. My doctor says — 

Gossip — What do you think of the new skirts? So 
tight around the bottom! I heard that Katie Cullum had 
one just half a yard around the bottom. 

A 11— Awful! 

Good Housekeeper — (to fat woman) You couldn't 
even get that over your head, could you, dear? 

Fat Woman — I should hope I couldn't! 

Bride — I'm sure John will not want me to wear any- 
thing like that. 

Invalid — I know my doctor would forbid me to have 
one of them. 

Good Housekeeper — I heard the other day that Biny 
McCune's wife tried to jump across a ditch with one of 
them on and that she couldn't make it and so she fell 



10 A "Peppy" Program for Men 

right in the middle and almost drowned before she could 
get out. 

Invalid — Oh, just that fall would have killed me. I'm 
nothing more than a piece of fragile china — might break 
at any time. 

Fat Woman — I don't know. Maybe falling would re- 
duce flesh. I know rolling will. I roll all over the bed- 
room floor ever morning. 

Mother with Baby — Do you? So does tootsums. 
Wite after his baf he wolls and wolls and nen he says — 

Bride — I got six cut glass celery dishes for wedding 
presents and five clocks. John says we can have the time 
of our lives now. Do you always pad your embroidery? 

Good Housekeeper — Always, except when I do the 
mount blank stitch. It does not require it. 

Fat Woman — Have you seen Hettie Thomas's but- 
tonholing on her new georgette suzeene? It is simply 
wonderful. Only suzeene makes one look stouter. 

Gossip — Did you hear about Sadie Hoffman? 

All— No. What? 

Gossip — Oh, it was terrible! 

All — (drawing near, their work forgotten) Tell us! 

Gossip — How she could do it, nobody can guess. 

All— Yes. What? 

Gossip — Of course, she is a sweet girl and all that, 
but— 

All — Yes, we know that — but — 

Gossip — She — (Here she lowers her voice and the 
bunch gather close with their heads together.) 

All — Oh, how terrible! How cowardly! How could 
she? 

Invalid — Even I, with my shattered health would 
have been braver. 

Mother — I would have stood it for baby's sake. I 
wouldn't have been such a coward. 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 11 

• 

Fat Woman — Most women like her are cowards, 
though. Thank heaven, I'm not. 

Bride — Nor I. I don't know what John would say 
if I was afraid. 

Good Housekeeper — I'm not afraid of a single thing. 
I just delight in facing dangers. 

All — (in turn) So do I, and I, and I, and I. 

Fat Woman- — What is that moving under that 
chair? 

All— Where? 

Bride — Oh, oh, it's a mouse. 

All — A mouse! 

(They shriek loudly and spring up on chairs hold- 
ing their skirts tightly about them.) 

Curtain 



« 



12 A "Peppy" Program for Men 



IN 1999 

(This paper is read by a small man who wears a 
gingham apron and a dust cap and keeps jiggling a baby 
buggy as he reads.) 

Fathers: I wish to offer a few apologies for my 
paper today. It is not well written and its faults are 
certainly many, but the only excuse I have to offer is that 
I was so busy with my housework I simply couldn't get 
it done. So just this morning, after my wife had gone 
to work and the baby was asleep, I finished writing it. 
We fathers of 1999 have many grave things to discuss 
today. There is the subject of hired help, of better ba- 
bies, of laundry, and dairy and food. In all this we may 
expect little assistance from our better halves — for they 
are far too busy in the big struggle for bread to help us 
any. But the question before us, and the one I wish to 
lay emphasis upon today is this — gentlemen, we are all 
perfectly willing to be the poorer half, but the facts 
show we are far less than that — we are not more at 
present than the poorer quarter — in fact we may soon 
become a sort of submerged tenth. We should speak of 
our wives now not as our better halves, but as our bet- 
ter three quarters. The time has come, gentlemen, for 
action — courage is what we need. I was delving in his- 
tory a night or so ago, after I got my dishes done and 
the children to bed, and I was struck by the remarkable 
courage and power of our ancestors. Those men of 
1918! What they did not do! As far as I can find, gen- 
tlemen, not a single one of them, I repeat it, not a single 
one of them ever washed a dish, ever swept a floor, ever 
cooked a single meal. It seems almost unbelievable, but 
it is true. What did they do instead? Why, they did 
what our wives are doing at present. They plowed and 
rode tractors and made fences and went to town. They 
went to town, gentlemen! I want to remark right here 
and now, that I haven't been to town for three long, 
weary months. I've saved my egg money to buy me a 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 13 



new hat, but what's the use, when my wife will never 
take me in? To revert to the past — these brave heroes 
of 1918 didn't even know how old the children were, let 
alone take care of them. They were free, gentlemen. 
Free! While we of 1999 are slaves. I know what each 
and every one of you is thinking. I know how the 
shackles you are enduring are wearying you. I know 
now the mere thought of liberty makes your heart beat 
fast and your pulse quicken — and I know, too, alas, how 
powerless we seem to be to change conditions. We need 
a leader — we need organization — then, oh then, could we 
rise up, smash every dish upon the hated pantry shelves, 
break every hated stick of furniture we have dusted for 
these many years, tear to shreds every garment we've 
been forced to wash, heap them all in a pile that would 
reach heavenward, on the topmost pinnacle set our dish- 
cloths, our brooms and mops, our wash boards, our sew- 
ing machines, and set fire to the whole. Then, by the 
light of this great conflagration we would put the chil- 
dren safely in the barn on the new-mown hay, and we, 
gentlemen, emancipated at last, would steal cityward, 
passing our wives upon the road as they came home from 
that great spot of happiness. 

It is a dream, alas, and we fathers do naught but 
read such papers as these and dream, while our wives, 
strong and self-reliant as they are, forge our household 
chains more strongly. But some day there may come a 
leader for us such a man as our ancestors knew in 1918, 
and he will save us. 

(Here the little man looks for a whole moment into 
space, then wheels his baby buggy off stage.) 



14 A "Peppy" Program for Men 



TELEPHONE CONVERSATION 



A man dressed as some woman of the neighborhood 
sits sewing or knitting with much exaggeration. Near 
by is a phone. Every time it rings the woman springs 
from her seat and listens with much interest, her face 
showing in some fashion what the conversation is that 
she is listening to. She does this three or four times, 
then rings up herself. 

"Hello— hello— is this you, Mabel? Oh. Well, I 
want to speak to your mama, Willie. (Pause. She hums 
a tune during this.) Hello, is this you, Mabel? This is 
Hattie. Didn't know my voice? Has it changed? Oh, 
my dear, what a thing to say. I never had my voice com- 
plimented that way before. Henry used to do it when 
we were courting, but in fifteen years of married life — 
what's that? You are? How are you making it? My, 
that sounds good. Especially for children. Do you beat 
them separately or together? 

"I used to make something like that, only mine took 
eleven instead of eight, and that was hard when they 
weren't laying. Yes. I took two cups of sugar, one of 
lard — what say? No, not hard sugar — lard. Yes. Five 
teaspoonfuls of flour — season with any kind of perfume 
you happen to have about. It's awfully good. What's 
that? Somebody is trying to cut in on us. I do like 
that. Well, I don't care if the whole line wants to talk, 
I'm going to have my say out. I'm glad you feel that 
way, too. What do we have a telephone for, anyway, if 
we can't talk business? Are you going to the dance 
Friday night? Good, I think I'll go if Henry's cold is 
better. Wear? I haven't thought much about it. I 
think I'll drape that gold-colored chiffon over my purple 
crepe de serge and wear that red sash I bought at the sale 
last summer. Are you going to wear your hat? Fine. 
There's that party trying to cut in again. What are 
you going to wear? You are? My, that will look fine! 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 15 



I just love that five piece skirt — those gores and that 
peplum are just the cutest things anyway, I've seen in a 
long while. How shall I do my hair? You like it low. 
Isn't that funny? Henry can't bear it that way. Says it 
—hello — hello— Mabel— is that you, Mabel? What? You 
want to phone about your cow that is dying? What do I 
care about an old cow ? You get off this line — I was here 
first. Mabel — is that you, dear? I'll bet that was Si 
Apperson that called me down just then. That's like the 
whole Apperson tribe. Always thinking they own 
things. Oh, say — I knew there was something I had to 
tell you. You knew Harry Steefle had bought himself a 
new runabout. Yes. Now, he could just as well have 
bought a five-passenger car — but — what's that? Why, 
yes. Then he could have taken somebody else. But this 
will hold only two. Of course he is a fine man and all 
that, but I never did believe in second marriages — and 
she is such a goose. What all the men see in her I never 
could imagine. Just a silly, curly-haired little goose. I 
thank heaven my hair is straight. And did you know 
Mamie Niles? She used to visit here five years ago. Vis- 
ited on the Watterson's place. Surely you knew her — 
rather fat — I knew you did. Well, what do you suppose 
she is doing? Hello — hello, Mabel, what do you suppose 
she is doing? Hello — hello — What? Si Apperson? You 
just wanted to tell me the cow is dead? Hello — Hello — 
now isn't that a great note ? He cut in and I've lost Ma- 
bel — Hello — hello — I'm going to have this phone taken 
out if I can't get any better service than this. {Hangs 
up and resumes knitting in a furious fashion.) 



16 A "Peppy" Program for Men 



DEBATE ON HOUSECLEANING 



DEBATE: Resolved That Housecleaning Does 
More Harm Than Good. 

Affirmative is supported by a big, pompous man who 
wears glasses which he puts on only when he reads. He 
is armed with huge,, imposing books which have all kinds 
of paper markers in them to indicate the places he wishes 
to quote. He talks slowly and impressively. 

Leader of Affirmative — Ladies and Gentlemen: The 
question before you this evening is: — Resolved That 
Housecleaning Does More Harm Than Good. I, as leader 
of the affirmative, find it necessary at first to define my 
question and establish its limitations. Housecleaning — 
(He picks up one of the biggest books.) — is defined by 
the great immoral — I mean immortal — Webster, as that 
activity of the housewife that results in the thorough 
cleansing of the house. (Opens another book.) And, 
here, the great Doctor Johnson says: "Housecleaning 
is as wearisome as it is unnecessary." (Closes book.) As 
wearisome as it is unnecessary — ah, ladies and gentle- 
men, what a wealth of truth in those words ! I come be- 
fore you tonight to base my argument on two great facts 
about this business: one is, it sadly interferes with the 
essential activities of life. The other, that we are far 
happier and better without it. (Takes a drink from the 
usual pitcher which adorns the table.) My first point 
revolves about the greatest business of life — eating. (He 
opens another book.) Heeza Gobbler, the eminent au- 
thority on life, says the following about eating: "We 
live to eat." (Closes book.) How true that is. And of 
all the useless activities of the housewife that interferes 
with the cooking and serving of food, housecleanng is 
the biggest and the worst. Permit me to read this tes- 
timonial from the pen of one of our most esteemed cit- 
izens: "B. A. Eatum: (Reads:) "Dear Sir: The other 
day I came home to find my house in great disorder; the 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 17 

piano was in the kitchen, the stovepipe was on the front 
porch in the baby buggy ; the stove was half way between 
the gate and the house, and my wife was nowhere to be 
seen. It was just supper time and not the slightest 
preparation for the evening meal had been made. What 
to do? I jumped into my auto in my working clothes, 
as I was, and drove to town. I went to that well-known 
hostelry, and satisfied my appetite. I returned to my au- 
to and drove down the main street of the town in such 
haste that I was taken into custody by the local police- 
man and forced to remain in town that night and pay a 
fine besides. My wife's housecleaning cost me a head- 
ache, a broken fender, two punctured tires, and $50 in 
fines. Was it worth it?" (Closes the letter.) That, 
ladies and gentlemen, is the testimony of one who has 
had the actual experience. To pass to my next point; we 
are far happier without it. (Opens book again.) The 
germ is the natural enemy of man." So says the emin- 
ent naturalist, Professor R. U. Bugs. Now I contend 
that the germ, let alone, is harmless. But stir him up 
and he will retaliate. Housecleaning stirs him up. On 
wall, in carpet, behind pictures, he is asleep and harm- 
less. But let the unthinking housewife rout him out and 
he turns full upon us. May we not well attribute the 
awful prevalence of flu this winter, to the disturbance 
of these germs by brooms and mops that would other- 
wise have remained dormant and done no harm? In 
conclusion, having conclusively proved to you, first, that 
housecleaning interferes 'with the great business of 
life, that of eating; second, that housecleaning does no 
end of harm by rousing germs, I feel that I have proved 
beyond a doubt to your minds that this great pastime of 
the American housewife does more harm than good. I 
thank you. (He bloivs his nose loudly and sits down.) 

Leader on Negative — (He is a timid little man with 
a frightened air) Ladies and Gentlemen: Houseclean- 
ing is a big subject. Women seem to like to do it, just 
as soon as spring comes. My wife loves it; houseclean- 



18 A "Peppy" Program for Men 

ing fills her with joy. I think she is just like other wom- 
en in this respect. They don't seem to be able to help it. 
Just as soon as the smell of earth and sap comes, they 
want to fill the atmosphere with soap, too. My wife and 
all her neighbors get up the carpets and stovepipes and 
then we men clean both of them when we come home 
from work. It seems to make them happy to see us 
wrestle with the stoves and soot and to hear us cough- 
ing in the clouds of dust from the carpets. And if it 
makes them happy, for heaven's sake, let them have it! 
When a woman is happy she ain't scoldin' and the Lord 
knows we ought to keep them happy. That is my first 
argument in defense of housecleaning. My second one 
is that they are born naturally to love to clean house. I 
don't believe they can help it. I don't know of 
any other animal besides a woman who house- 
cleans — I don't mean — I didn't mean to cast any 
reflections on a woman by calling her an animal, either. 
But she is that. Why, my wife — my wife is simply won- 
derful — she is the — she is the king of the beasts! (He 
puts a frightened hand to his lips.) My third argument 
is, housecleaning really makes things look fine. Why, 
they smell so strong of varnish, and are so shiny you 
can't sit down anywhere, and so you have to go to town, 
and that is — well, of course, that is a calamity — having 
to go to town — but it is nice to have things clean. My 
fourth argument is, it gives the women something to 
talk about. Now, all of us know a woman doesn't talk 
very much. It makes it real hard sometimes, having to 
do all the talking. But when housecleaning time comes 
they become real good conversationalists, and they cer- 
tainly do soft-soap their husbands, and we husbands all 
like that, you know. My fifth argument is that house- 
cleaning makes home more exciting. It is never dull 
when your wife is housecleaning. You come home at 
night and stub your toe against the bookcase which is 
in the middle of the floor; you take off your suspenders 
and let them fall into a pail of dirty wash water; you 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 19 



slip on some wet wall paper she has been tearing off the 
wall; you reach out to steady yourself against some- 
thing and you take hold of some wet paint, and finally 
you go to bed where the bed used to be and you find your- 
self in a pool of paste which the baby has been playing 
with and has spilled on the floor. The bed itself is on the 
clothes line, airing. Oh, it is full of thrills when house- 
cleaning is going on. I know, because my wife did it 
just last week. I know of some married folks who get 
divorces just because life grows so dull they can't stand 
it. What they need is more housecleaning, say once 
every six weeks or so. My worthy opponent said just 
now that housecleaning interfered with the main busi- 
ness of life — eating. Isn't there an adage that says: 
"Cleanliness is next to godliness"? Maybe it is one of 
the ten commandments. I don't quite remember. But 
wouldn't you all rather be godly than eat? I know I 
wouldn't — I mean — that is to say — I would rather be 
eaten than be clean — that's all I have to say. (He leaves 
in great confusion, mopping his broiv.) 

Second Speaker on Affirmative — (He is a pinched, 
stingy-looking man, loith a cold in his head. He sneezes 
frequently) Ladies and gedelbed: (Sneeze.} I thing 
I ab cobig dowd with the idfluedza. (Sneeze.) This will 
bake the fifth tibe I have had it. By wife has cleaded 
house five tibes — Do you fide ady coddedtiod id the two 
thigs. (Sneeze.) Id is just as by worthy colleague has 
said. By wife has bed stirring up the gerbs ad they have 
all lid od be! (Blows nose on bandanna.) So I'b op- 
posed to housecleading id ady forb — dry cleading, wet 
cleadig, cleadig by horsepower or by had. I object to it 
od other grouds. It costs so buch. Take soap alode. 
(Sneeze.) Why, I have dowed my wife to use ted ceds 
worth of soap at one tibe. Yes, sir! She used that durig 
her sprig house cleadig last year. I have the figures right 
here. (Produces note book.) Ad she bought five rolls of 
wall paper at fifteed ceds a roll, put it od with thirty ceds 
worth of paste, paided the woodwork red at a cost of 



20 A "Peppy" Program for Men 

sevedty-five ceds. Yes, sir! Dow I've dowed people who 
paided a towd red and id cost more thad that, but she 
was paiding just 100 feed of woodwork while they were 
paidig a whole towd. I'd dot a stigy bad. Why, I cad 
sped a nickel as easy as thad. (Snaps finger.) Ad ev- 
ery month or so I give by wife as buch sometibes as a 
whole dollar for herself ad the kids. (Sneeze.) But I 
certaidly do draw the lide at sidf ul extravagance lige 
that. (Sneeze.) By segod argubed is, I thig id is far 
better dot to sdcourage wobed by leddig theb have what 
they wad. It spoils theb. If they wad to dead house, 
thad is the very thig they ought dot to do. (Sneeze.) 
Life was dot bade for fud — but for seriousness. By wor- 
thy oppoded has said that wobad was the odly adibal 
that dead house. He spoke truly. (Sneeze.) The other 
adibals do better. They are codteded to stay as dature 
idteded theb to be. Eve dever dead house. Adab was th e 
odly real happy bad in the respect I do of. (Sneeze.) 
Well, freds, I'b gettig worse ad worse ad I expect I've 
exposed all of you by this tibe, so I guess I'll stop. But 
in conclusiod, I just wad to say a wabod is a mighty ex- 
pedsive luxury ady way you put it — bud whed she gets 
to housecleadig, she's worse thad a liberty load for lick- 
ig up the buddy. [Blows nose and sits down.) 

Translation : Ladies and gentlemen : I think I am 
coming down with the influenza. This will make the 
fifth time I have had it. My wife has cleaned house five 
times. Do you find any connection in the two things? It 
is just as my worthy colleague has said. My wife has 
been stirring up the germs and they have all lit on me. 
So I am opposed to housecleaning in any form — dry 
cleaning, wet cleaning, cleaning by horsepower or by 
hand. I object to it on other grounds. It costs 
too much. Take soap alone. I have known my 
wife to use ten cents worth of soap at one time. 
Yes, sir. She used that during her spring house- 
cleaning last year. I have the figures right 
here. And she bought five rolls of wall paper at fifteen 



A "Peppy" Program for Men 21 



cents a roll, put it on with thirty cents worth of paste, 
painted the woodwork red at the cost of seventy-five 
eents. Yes, sir. Now, I've known people who painted a 
town red and it cost more than that, but she was paint- 
ing just 100 feet of woodwork while they were painting 
a whole town. I'm not a stingy man — why, I can spend a 
nickel as easy as that. And every month I give my wife 
as much sometimes as a whole dollar for herself and the 
kids. But I certainly do draw the line at sinful extrava- 
gance like that. My second argument is, I think it is 
far better not to encourage women by letting them have 
what they want. It spoils them. If they want to clean 
house, that is the very thing they ought not to do. Life 
was not made for fun, but for seriousness. My worthy 
opponent has said that woman was the only animal that 
cleaned house. He spoke very truly. The other animals 
know better; they are contented to stay as nature in- 
tended them to be. Eve never cleaned house and Adam 
was the only real happy man in that respect. Well, 
friends, I'm getting worse and I expect I've exposed all 
of you by this time, so I'll stop. But in conclusion, I 
just want to say that woman is a mighty expensive lux- 
ury, any way you put it, but when she gets to house- 
cleaning, she's worse than a liberty loan for licking up 
the money. 

Second Speaker on Negative — {He is a young fellow 
evidently gotten up to kill with a flowing bow tie and a 
silk handkerchief in his pocket and a flower in his but- 
ton hole.) Ladies and gentlemen: I come before you 
this evening, to take the side of the ladies, God bless 
them. (Kisses his hand to the ladies.) I am an unmar- 
ried man, but when I march up to the hymeneal altar, 
when I embark on the sea of matrimony, I want my bet- 
ter half to clean her house when and where she wishes. 
I wish every unmarried lady in the audience to pay par- 
ticular attention to this statement. I am prepared to 
demonstrate its truth. I think this housecleaning is all 
right, for I reverence the ladies and think whatever they 



22 A "Peppy" Program for Men 

do must be right. Then, too, I believe that women can 
no more help housecleaning when the purpled iris changes 
on the burnished dove than birds can help mating. Per- 
mit me here to quote a bit of poetry : "In the spring are 
lovers mating just because they simply must; in the 
spring the housewife's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of 
dust." Gentlemen, to you I would picture a little scene 
such as all of you have witnessed: It is spring. Out of 
doors, the husband happily beats his fill on the parlor 
carpet and hammers the soot out of the kitchen stovepipe. 
Indoors, the housewife shines the windows till they re- 
flect the blue sky, the budding trees; the little babe sits 
innocently upon the floor sucking the paint brush ; an in- 
quisitive calf chews thoughtfully upon the living room 
curtains. What calm; what family peacefulness and 
security. Working together, father, mother, baby, even 
the little calf, in perfect harmony. Housecleaning — co- 
operation — you farmers of the farm bureau speak of 
co-operation — here you have it. The famiiy group, with 
woman as its center. "Oh, woman, in thy hours of ease, 
uncertain, coy, and hard to please. Yet, seen too oft, fa- 
miliar with thy face, we first endure, then pity, then em- 
brace." How truly that was said by that finest poet of 
modern times — Theodore Roosevelt. 

And now, let us look at that scene two days later: 
It is still spring. There is the same father, the same 
baby, the same calf — the mother? Alas, that sweet wom- 
an has flown, born aloft to a land where one perpetual 
housecleaning reigns. But what a lovely scene has she 
left behind! 'Tis worth dying to look down from above 
and see that house, those curtains lovely and white, tied 
back to conceal the rent the calf has made by his chew- 
ing; that woodwork whose paint the baby sucked, shin- 
ing and fresh as a new-laid egg ; those windows, the eyes 
of the house, looking bravely toward the new pit silo 
and the budding garden patch; that carpet, bright as a 
new one, tightly stretched across that parlor floor. And 
father and baby? Ah, they sit on the doorstep beside the 



A "Peppy" Progra m for Men 23 

calf, determined that they will not muss up that won- 
drous place that she left clean. What a tombstone, la- 
dies! What an epitaph, gentlemen! 

She cleaned his house the day she died, with lye 

and soap, 
And then she went up to a land of rest and hope. 
There's not a neighbor, no, not one, however mean, 
Who'd say that she had left his house a thing but 

clean. 

As for my worthy opponents, I have naught to say 
in reply to the arguments they have advanced. They are 
beneath my notice. Housecleaning is woman's work, is 
woman's love, and so it must be good. I thank you. 

(He leaves with a delicate flourish of his handker- 
chief.) 




Clever New Monologs 
and Recitations 

Monologs of Merit 

This we believe a splendid collection for elocution- 
ists or for schools. Contains many of the darky- 
sketches of Blanche Goodman which do not appear in 
the "Viney Sketches." Some novelty readings by 
Lydia McGaughey are "The White-wash Angel," "A 
Pair of Boots," "Robert Joins the A. H. T. A.," "Rob- 
ert and the Auto," "Seven, Seventeen and Seventy," 
"In Grandma's Bay," and others. Complete volume, 
75c. 

Help-U Dialog and Recitation Book 

By various authors and a real help to the teacher. 
Here are some of the dialogs: "A Strike Mother Goose 
Settled," "Casey's Twins," "A Lesson in Politeness," 
"Program for Roosevelt's Birthday," "Boy Wanted," 
"Helping Santa Ciaus," "Aunt Phoebe's Nerves," and 
many others. These are for all grades up to gram- 
mar. An abundance of choice recitations for all the 
grades. Price 40c. 

Merry Rhymes of Little Folks' Times 

By Margaret A. Fassitt. In this collection of choice 
little gems we present 40 short pcems which are real 
"Kiddie" talk. They can be used as recitations by 
little people cr as chi'.c! impersonation? by adults. By 
the way, they will make good reading for mothers 
and fathers at any time. "The Red Head," "Reflec- 
tions of a Pup," "I Wish I Had a Ginger Cake," 
"When You Ask About Your Fixin's," "Our Twins," 
and many others will make you laugh. Price, 40c. 

Comforting Her Patient 

By Mm. W. M. Carruth. Tells how an "impractical" 
nurse unloads her own and others' troubles on her 
helpless patient. A good number. Price 15c. 

Gossip in Slowville 

By E. Haskell. Depicts the sayings of the village gos- 
sip and makes a very effective reading. Price 15c. 

The Spinsierhood of Mary 

A humorous number by Rhoda Barclay. Tells of 

Mary's resolve to live and die an old maid and her 
sudden change of mind. Price, 15c. 

Mrs. Swattem Attends the Convention 

This monolog by Rhoda Barclay is an account of the 
many complaints of Mrs. Swattem while at the con- 
vention. Her sharp tongue wags industriously, if 
not truthfully. Price, 15c. 

Eldridge Entertainment House 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also DENVER, COLO. 

944 S. Logan St. 



E3^\ 



• Some Bright New 

Christmas Material 



First Aid to Santa 

By Ethel Sexton. A mighty bright playlet for 3 boys, 
2 girls and 10 acting dolls (girls and boys). Plays 30 
or 40 minutes. Price, 25c. 

The Christmas Chain 

By Lillian Pearson. A pretty sketch for 14 or more 
children. The Christmas Angel shows her complete 
Christmas Chain to two selfish sisters with happy re- 
sults. Plays about 20 minutes. Price 25c. 

How the Christmas Song Was Found 

By Lillian Pearson. A simple, but beautiful sketch 
for any number of children, 12 required. Shows the 
real spirit of Christmas and tells how the glad 
Christmas song was found. Time, 20 to 30 minutes. 
. For day schools or church entertainments. Price 25c. 

Mr. Richey Changes His Mind 

By Lee Owen Snook. Story of a crabbeC, wealthy 
employer and how at Christmas time the memory of 
his mother changed his attitude toward his employes 
from that of a "driver" to a considerate comrade. An 
unexpected romance develops 4 males, 4 females 
and others, either high school or adults. Plays about 
20 minutes. Price, 25c. 

The Little Stranger 

A moving picture Christmas play, by Edna Randolph 
Worrell This is really a pantomime, the different 
scenes being either announced orshownon scr ^ u 7 
stereopticon. 4 scenes "The Night Before Christ, 
mas Home of Orphan Children,' "The L.U.e Stian- 
ger at the Door," "The Little Stranger Entertains, 
"Christmas Morning." A pretty entertainment for 
any number of children. Plays about 30 minute*. 25c. 

Ten Good Christmas Pantomimes 

By Ethel Eldridge. A collection that will add novelty 
and effectiveness to your program. Specific direc- 
tions for pantomiming some well-known hymns, songs 
and recitations— "Silent Night," . "Litt e Jjw^9| 
• Bethlehem," "When Good Old Kris Comes R°«»d 

"Favorite Carols," etc. Contains the music a!*;. 4~-c. 



Eldridge Entertainment House 



fig 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



(r^ 



m 



/ 



FRANKLIN, OHIO 



also 



DENVER, COLO. 
944 3. Logan St. 



Money-Making Entertainme... ..? 15910 2 *} « 
for Church, School or Lodge 

Miss Nibbs' Novelty Shop 

By Alta Becker. This is a novel and humorous en- 
tertainment, introducing 'Liza Ann, Miss Nibbs, two 
traveling salesmen, shoppers, mechanical dolls and 
mechancal maid of all work. A good little stunt where 
a short, clean, humorous number is desired. Plays 
about 30 minutes. Price, 25c. 

The Brightville Indoor Chautauqua 

By Bessie Baker and Nellie Hanna. Here is a brand 
new idea for an evening's entertainment. It is in 5 
parts, each part representing a day at Chautauqua. 
Gives wide scope for introduction of large cast and 
many specialties. Complete programs suggested as 
follows: Part 1, Chautauqua Concert Company; Part 
2, Living Pictures; Part 3, Musical Entertainers; 
Part 4, Farmers' Night; Part S, Coonville Jubilee 
Singers. Price, 35c. 

Sorepaw & Fells Indoor Circus 

By Margaret S. Bridge and Margaret H. Hahn. The 
Grand Annex and Musee, Freaks, Curiosities and 
Monstrosities, never were in it with the marvelous, 
amazing, mystifying array outlined in its pages. Ar- 
tistic, ambling, agile, 'andsome acrobats; cajoling, 
cadaverous, costly, curious, cunning clowns; Hee- 
Shee, the Monkey Girl of Yucatan; all of these and 
many others will be seen in the Big Peerade before 
the show starts, ladies and gentlemen. Keep to the 
right — don't crowd. Price, 25c. 

As Ye Sew 

A "talking doll" missionary play by Dorothy Crich- 
ton. A lot of fun and some wholesome lessons are 
contained in the conversation of the dolls who dis- 
cuss the motives of their donors. Splendid for Young 
People's or Missionary Societies. 10 girls, 1 boy, or 
all girls. Time, 20 minutes. Price, 15c. 

Finding the Key 

A dialog and drill for 10 or 12 girls and boys. Suit- 
able for any religious program, but especially for 
Easter. Time, 20 minutes. Deals with problems of 
youth, recreations, etc.; also with those of Commun- 
ity Life and the present spirit of Unrest. Interspersed 
with suggested songs. Drill very effective. *5c. 

Eldridge Entertainment House 



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